Miami Vice: no entiendo

Groan. This really had potential. Fast cars, fast boats, fast guns, fast women, steamy south-of-the-border localizaciones, a black guy and a white guy as the unstoppable mega-team of super-coolness and the whole I'm-undercover-but-I'm-so-hardcore-I-totally-fit-in-with-the-drug-dealers vibe.

But, it sucked.

The most boring and incomprehensible maths problem on a rainy day after lunch in the middle of term, or visiting your incontinent Alzheimer's grandmother and having endless repetitive conversations about how the council still haven't fixed that dent in the footpath wouldn't be even HALF as incredibly tedious as sitting through this damn movie.

Michael Mann should be shot. What the hell was he thinking?

No one has any idea what is going on. First we see the dudes at a underground clubster-fest and there's a fat bald guy picking out hookers for his evening's entertainment, and the Vices are so onto him and you think they're going to bust his fat white ass. But then suddenly we're out on the rooftop and making two incomprehensible phone calls at once, and from there we're visiting some cop informant who's gone loco and told the bad guys everything, so we have to go get him and save him now, but when we pull him over on the freeway he's all high as a kite and garbling crap, and then the baddies bust into his house and ice his girlfriend, and then the cop informant waltzes out in front of a truck. So then the Vices have to suddenly go undercover with some brand new bad guys, who might or not be working with / for / against some other bad guys, and pretend to be all bad-ass drug ring pros, and be all like "E from China, coke from Brazil" as if the other cops suddenly forgot what drugs we're importing here and where we usually get them from. Then there's the guy who looks like Sayid from Lost, who seems as stable as Kim Jong-Il during a McDonald's shortage, and he's all "I don' like the Amereecans" (that's to create intra-character TENSION within the plot, kids) and there's Gong Li who swings between ringleader ice-cool drug-bitch and baby-girl porn-trash, melting in Colin Farrell's greasy arms and somehow finding him irresistible, despite the fact that nobody talks to anybody else and no one knows nothing about nobody. Throw in a handful of gunfights at the ol' abandoned warehouse and some totally non-symbolic scenes where Colin and Gong are speeding over the ocean in the longest, strongest and hardest powerboat you've ever seen, and that's basically it.

Wait for video, amigos.