Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Names for future failures

I see many things. Many, many, disturbing things. Something that disturbs more than most is the disregard people apparently have for their children's future mental health. One parent I know of, who had a drug history, named her daughter Opi. Short for Opium. Someone else has Dazza on their birth certificate. Then there was the family who named all three daughters in similar tree-hugging fashion: Rainie, Sunny and Dawn.
As if Rainie is ever going to get further in life than the shotgun-wedding chapel carpark. No Supreme Court judge is ever called Opium. These are recipes for failures, people. A gorgeous little baby called Sunny might be super-cute. But get a kitten instead, because imagine a forty-two year old Centrelink patron and a concession bus pass holder with four kids and a variety of patterned tracksuits. This is Future Sunny.
MomsWhoThink.com (really?) has thoughtfully provided us with a list of inspirational names for your offspring. Stuck for which name to choose? Would you like to give your child a head start on the depressing life you have selected for him or her? You can choose from Death Row Names (Jemarr, Vernice and Mack), Future Mortician Names (Aladdin, Blackie, Deatrice... I really want someone to name their child Blackie and escape a massive lawsuit in twenty years' time), Future Truck Drivers' Names (Flo, Wanda and Lonnie), Names that Make you Feel Weird (I kid you not), like Aloo, Fable, Delete and Panther (Christ, they're not wrong), Future Slackers (Loki, Bo and Rip), and Macho/Girly Names, like Hud, DeeDee and Esteban.
And just in case you'd like to choose a direction for your child other than down, there's also the full list which tells you how to name your future doctor, lawyer or televangelist.
Enjoy the section on Most Obnoxious Baby Names, like Optimus Prime or Sunshine Deathray.

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